Yumemiru no Itami : The Pain of Dreaming
by Yumeko1
Summary: What defines an act of love? The willingness to protect, or the willingness to let go?


The Pain of Dreaming - Yumemiru no Itami

It came like a flash to him, cutting straight to the emotions he had worked so hard to cut off. There was pleasure, yes, intense pleasure as he pressed his body to hers, pressing deeper into the warmth she provided. But the sensation that had come to him when her slender fingers reached up to touch his face was completely different...and somehow separate...as if someone else was feeling it in his place.

Her body arched under his, and for the first time since he had begun coming to her house he actually wanted to see her face. His eyes, cold as ice to the men he commanded and to the ones he killed, focused on her face. It was the same face he had seen many nights before, but this time...was it different? Sensing this, her eyes opened slowly, eyes unlike any he'd seen. 

"Nakago-sama? Is something wrong?"

"No." As always, he was short with his words. The woman lying beneath him watched his face carefully as he began to smile at her. She had seen his smile before, sharp as a blade, and like others who had the misfortune to cross him had come to be wary of any smile that crossed his lips. "My mind was...elsewhere."

He had lost track of how many months it had been since he had come across her house following a battle. The village was near the capital, and as he rode through its streets he noticed doors closing quickly. A smirk spread over his face. They feared him. Good. One day, when Seiryuu was called, they would have good reason to be afraid.

Few of his men had survived the battle, and his horse was quickly nearing death. Determined to make it back to the capital, he hadn't intended to stop. Fully meaning to simply take a fresh horse from her house and leave, he had ignored the woman who had stepped from the doorway.

"You must be the Shogun." Her voice was strong, and he turned to look at her. "I would be honored for you and your men to sit at my table."

"My men are dead, and your table holds nothing that would interest me." Turning his back on her once more, Nakago untied the horse that was outside her house. 

"You're bleeding." It was more an observation than anything, and his icy gaze fixed upon her face for the first time. "At least let me dress your wound before you go." Her clothes were dark, and as he walked into the house he noticed that everything in it was as drab as her attire. 

Used to having servants do things for him, Nakago allowed her to remove his armor and the shirt that was under it. A sword wound crossed his bicep, cutting deeply into the muscle below, and the woman looked up at him as she picked up the bandages and medicines to dress his cut.

"It's quite deep. This may be painful." At this he laughed, one brief chuckle that was gone before it even was heard. The woman looked up at him. "Something funny?"

"There is no pain. Only people who are too weak to shut out their emotions." Nakago's face was as unreadable as stone, and she wrapped the bandage tightly around his arm before standing up.

"Shogun, it is becoming night. Perhaps you should remain here until morning and rest." Her eyes were riveted to his, and he noticed that her eyes were blue. So blue that they actually seemed violet. Though he could have cared less about the color of her eyes, he nodded and stood up. "Would you care for something to drink?"

"Don't bother with kindness." Walking past her, he went into the next room. Nakago was more involved with devising a strategy with which to keep the Emperor's suspicions about his true intentions at bay. Killing his own men was just one of the ways to make himself seem more powerful than he already was. Sounds in the next room told him that the woman was eating, and he lay back on her bed. Had she told him her name? It didn't matter, he would most likely kill her in the morning anyway.

Nakago didn't know how long he'd been asleep, but his eyes snapped open when he heard the door to his room open. The woman was standing in the doorway, her body silhouetted by the moonlight that fell through the window. Her hair was long, and it fell over her shoulders and back in dark waves.

"Is there something I can do for you?" The voice that came from her throat was different than what he'd heard before, and with an icy smile he'd allowed her into his bed. The clothes had fallen from her body to the floor, and he had pushed her onto the pillows. Everything else was a blur. Sex, for Nakago anyways, was always one of two things; strategy or a way to release his stress. There was nothing connected to it, no emotion or even a name sometimes. That time was no different.

For reasons he couldn't explain, the next morning he did not kill her. But he did learn her name. Karin.

"Nakago...sama..." Karin closed her eyes as his movements changed. Usually, he moved as if he were thinking of being somewhere else...but now it was as if he were actually there, feeling the sensations that stemmed from the warmth of her body. They never spoke. Never. It was as if hearing her voice would distract him from whatever thoughts were going on in his mind. Sometimes she wondered.

After that first time, Nakago would stop by her house after any battle that caused him to pass by her village. Karin never turned him away, and with her body gave a shelter for him to recover in. She knew she meant nothing to him. His heart was as cold as the blue of his eyes, but there was a contentedness to him after they slept together. Sometimes, he would stare into the distance for long periods of time. It was as if he didn't feel or hear anything at these times, even more than usual. At these times, Karin would look at him as she did her work. She would wash his shirt, clean his armor, anything he wanted her to do for him, but all the while her eyes would be on Nakago.

He didn't talk to her often. The only time her curiousity had gotten the better of her was once when he was angry, and a character had appeared on his forehead. Nakago, of course, had been more than willing to tell her about his destiny as a Seiryuu Shichiseishi, and she had felt honored to have such a near-god in her house.

But the thing that always drew her attention was his hair. She always wanted to ask where he had gotten such blonde hair and blue eyes, but some part of her knew that this was one of the things she was never to speak of. Every once in a while, he would catch her looking at him and smile. She was always embarrassed by it, because he was usually so cold to her. But still, she couldn't help sneaking glances at him. 

Although she knew he held no special feeling for her, she began looking forward to the times he would come to her house. Even if she knew it was just to have someone to share his bed. When they slept together there was no tenderness, no words. Most times, he just held her down as he did whatever he felt like. Most women wouldn't allow him to do some of the things he did to her, but Karin never protested.

Afterwards, she always got out of the bed and went into another room to sleep. It was unspoken but clear that her duty was over as soon as he released her from his arms. Sometimes, though, she would sneak back in to watch him sleep. 

The only thing she hoped for was to see his smile, even for a moment. And when he left, he never looked back. For this she was glad, so that he wouldn't see her tears.

Thousands of things swept through Nakago's mind as he neared his climax. This was both comforting and disturbing to him, as he was usually so focused during this time. The feeling of power that usually surged through him, however, was quickly being replaced by another feeling. Beneath his body, Karin gasped softly. The sound brought him back to reality, and for the first time he looked into her eyes as he came. There was something in her eyes he couldn't explain, and as he lowered himself onto her body gently he wondered if this was always in her eyes.

Karin's face was shining in the night, and her cheeks were pink as she tried to catch her breath. All these things were new to him, and the feeling increased in his chest. It was something between pain and pleasure, and Nakago immediately tried to bury this feeling along with the others he had shut away the moment his life had turned to hell. At once, Karin's eyes widened as she reached up to touch his forehead.

"The mark on your forehead...it's..." Her words were silenced by the kiss he leaned down to place on her lips. Karin inhaled sharply. Never before had Nakago shown any kind of tenderness to her, and definitely not in this form. His lips were warm and sweet, and she closed her eyes. His smell filled her senses, and she was suddenly dizzy as he pulled his face from hers and held her to his chest. "Nakago-sama..."

"Go to sleep, Karin."

In the morning, the light opened Karin's eyes. As she realized she was still lying in the bed next to Nakago, she moved slightly closer to him. She wanted to feel his warmth next to her as long as possible before he told her to leave him.

A crashing sound outside the house caused Nakago to wake with a start, and the covers fell from his muscular chest as he sat up. Karin immediately got out of the bed and went to put her clothes on. As she did, Nakago caught a glance of her naked body. The strange feelings from the night before rushed back to him full force, and his hand reached out to her before he knew what he was doing.

Roughly, his fingers closed around her creamy arm and jerked her towards him. Karin stumbled and fell into his arms, which closed around her. His unexpected embrace caused tears to well into her eyes, and she looked up at him. Nakago looked into her face, and she was sure she saw...something...in his eyes. Emotion?

As suddenly as he had pulled her to him, Nakago let go of her and stood up. Without a word, he went to put on his armor and investigate the crash outside the house. Confused, Karin dressed silently and went out to where he was. 

From her doorway, she could see that the village was on fire. Whatever or whoever had started the fires was nowhere in sight, and for once Nakago had lost his composure before her. Fighting the sudden urge to reach for his arm, Karin looked up at him. Nakago's eyes were chips of ice once again, and she handed him his helmet.

"Thank you." It was the first time in years he had spoken the words to anyone, and he fitted the helmet over his head. "Until next time." With that, he disappeared from her doorway into the street. Karin bowed her head and walked into her bedroom to make her bed. Nakago never looked back, and Karin never watched him go.

As she pulled the sheets over her bed, she noticed something on the floor. She knew at once it was Nakago's sash, that he must have forgotten it in his hurry. Hoping he hadn't ridden out of town yet, she hurried out the door.

Though he was furious with whoever had done this, Nakago wasn't gone yet. His thoughts were still with Karin, and he reached up to pull himself onto the horse. Such feelings were unsettling, and he closed his eyes as he prepared to go. From a nearby inn, one of his soldiers who lived in the village emerged and ran over to him.

"Shogun!"

"Accompany me back to the capital. There will be no--" His words were clipped off by Karin's voice.

"Nakago-sama!" She was hurrying towards him, carrying something in her hand. Nakago turned to look at her, but as she came closer there was a sickening crack from above. Karin didn't seem to hear, but the soldier gasped.

"Shogun, get out of the way!" Above him, a huge piece of wood had broken free of the house frame and was falling towards Nakago. For once, Nakago was frozen in place. Karin screamed as she leapt towards him, and there was a crash as the wood fell to the ground. 

A cloud of dust rose up around them, and when it settled the soldier could see that Karin had managed to push Nakago out of the way of the falling beam. He was sitting on the ground, looking winded, and staring straight ahead at the piece of wood. Lying beneath it was Karin, only her arms and shoulders visible from beneath it.

Slowly, Nakago stood up and walked towards her while the soldier watched. He seemed to be in shock, and Karin struggled to move. Nakago knelt by her side, and touched her face.

"Karin."

"Your...sash..." Her hand was still clutching the sash, and she held it up to him like some strange offering. "It was...on my floor..." Tears were streaming from her eyes, and in her chi, Nakago could feel that she was in excruciating pain.

"Karin." Gently he took the sash from her hand and tied it into her long hair. As he did so, she tried to smile. "Don't cry."

"Sorry...about this...I couldn't..." Her face twisted in pain, and a thin rivulet of blood ran down her chin. "...let you get...hurt..."

"Karin." Nakago took her face in his hands, looking deeply into her eyes. Eyes that were fast losing their light. She smiled weakly. As the light around her began to dim, Karin found herself wondering what it would have been like if she had never met Nakago. She couldn't, and as his hands cradled her face, she was glad for that one moment. He was smiling. 

"I...I love you...Nakago...sa...ma..." It was getting harder for her to breathe, and Nakago leaned down to kiss her once more. Their lips met, and Karin closed her eyes. With one swift motion, Nakago twisted her head to the side. There was a sharp crack as her neck broke, and her head fell limply to the side in his hands. Her eyes were closed, and there was a peaceful look on her face, the same look he had seen while she was sleeping. Nakago lay her head on the ground gently.

"Karin."

For a moment he knelt by her body, his head bowed. By his horse, the soldier watched in pure shock as Nakago's hand went up to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye. A moment later, the Shogun stood up and began walking towards him.

"Sho...shogun..."

"Get on your horse." His command was firm, and the soldier ran for his animal. Nakago began riding without him. As he rode, he swore to himself that he would never allow his emotions to control him again. Not like the night before. Nakago didn't look back at her body as he rode out of the village, but neither did he wipe away the blood that was on his lips. Her blood. It was still warm.

_Karin_.


End file.
